I seem to only find myself wanting to write here whenever I find a heavy lack of people around me. Not to say I am not amongst a mild hustle and bustle but I can't seem to find any sense of belonging. Perhaps it's feels worse now cause I can't seem to get my feet on solid anything. On top of my old feelings, which of course haven't gone away, I now have the added bonus of feeling like I've somehow had my security blanket unravelled slowly from my hands. I have a steady boyfriend, a steady job and yet I feel turbulent. Every moment alone is just another reminder that the people around me have places to go, people to see, things to do all in no way involve me. I feel even a bit estranged from people I considered my group of friends. What is so offputting in my character that removes myself from the mental list of people you want to have around.
Even the people around me now give me an unsettling feeling that their socializing with me is an example of generosity. I so close to tears so often these days...
I just convince myself that, in time, this will pass, and perhaps someday it will. Until then though, deep breaths and straight faces.

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I am still not over it. I thought I was okay, I thought I had taken myself off the hook I'd gotten myself hung up on, but that's not entirely the case. I have learned in one moment of ridiculousness that not only am I still very much on that hook, but that the hook has gotten larger and higher from the ground. I am pathetic, which is always what a person aspires to discover about themselves.

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So, I'm just chilling at work right now, sitting on some stairs waiting for things to do. I'm being paid 16.38 ish an hour.
I'm not sure whether to be counting my lucky stars or scream. I'm way too fidgety of a person to handle this for much longer. I'm hoping I can work my way into activity sometime soon. Just thought I'd share.
Oh and there's some kid here who's taken a-liking to me, following me around and whatnot. How does one deal with these sorts of things?

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I was having a conversation with my mother the other day about her decisions dealing with finding out she was pregenant with my older brother. At the time of discovery, she and my father were no longer seeing each other, for whatever reason, and I had been curious as to why she hadn't simply gotten an abortion. She explained to me that it was a combination of everyone around her was of the Christian-based pro-life stance including medical advisors, a desire to rebel against my grandmother and the overbearing upbringing she had, not really having a genuine reason to not want to be with my father any longer, and just being plain scared. So, in January of 1985, my parents were married. My mother was one-month pregenant.
This is not really a conversation most kids get into with their parents. "Why didn't you abort us?" isn't really a popular topic round the dinner table. But since I had opened this line of thinking in my head, I couldn't help but wonder how things would be if someone had been supportive for her when she needed it. How would her life have unfolded if she hadn't married my father, didn't have children to take care of, didn't jump into responsibility and adulthood at the age of 21? How affected would the world be without their union or their children?
Perhaps she would have finished at school and became an illustrator, like she'd studied to be.
Perhaps my father would have returned to Venezuela and continued with photography or moved to New York and became a reknowned fashion photographer. He'd never get entangled in film and television work, never getting too tied down to Los Angeles free to go wherever.
Perhaps the kids my brother grew up with would have gotten into more trouble, or less. Perhaps his 4th grade student teacher wouldn't have been harrassed as much, wouldn't have left crying. Perhaps his high school friends would never have the joy of giving a guy a makeover or wouldn't go off to do the exciting wonderful things they're doing, or maybe they would, just with someone else.
And as for me? What impact would my absence have had on the world? Would it be significant, noticable? How altered would things be if I just never existed?
The impact would be subtle but widespread, but I would not be deluded into thinking that the world was in any way improved with my contributions. I have barely had any positive impact on a single soul, not at all comparable with the damage I've caused. Despite what I'd like to think about my impact on the world, I genuinely believe it has been a poisonous existence and half-hope those affect will be able to heal from the scars I've left. If I could take back my life as if i'd never exisited, I would take the opportunity in a heart beat. But as it stands, I have had nearly 21 years of infection, not something easily undone nor would the damage in ending it be worth the trouble it would cause.
So, here I find myself at a point in time where I could possibly make an effort in reducing my damage on the world around me by simply withdrawing. Take myself away from the situation and remove the problem all together. I must become as passive and insignificant as one can be. Damage control has to happen. I will contact no one, unless first contacted. I will engage in no activities unless expressly insisted upon attending. I will do nothing. I must do nothing, for everyone's sake. I can't take back my life thus far, but I can do everything in my power to reduce my toxicity to spread anymore. I hope it will be enough.

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I currently find myself surrounded by people I consider my friends and yet I cannot for the life of me find anything I have in common with them except for riding a bike and my age. I'm not entirely sure how I relate to these kids, but I still find myself here, feeling awkward and out of place and not entirely sure why these people still call me. Some of the few people in this crew that I can relate to have recently taken it upon themselves to make themselves scarce. I hope not to take this personally but I feel that hope slipping.
What is wrong with me that I can't relate to groups of people? I find myself in this situation far too often. And yet I realize if I estrange myself from this regular socialization, I will recoil away from social situations, not including work. I would become a hermit, dealing with people only out of necessity. Knowing this, I'm not sure if this makes it better or worse that I think I will withdraw my own initiation of contact with them. If I am contacted, I will oblige, but not unless directly invited. I must avoid impositions at all costs, as I am aware of my non-universal appreciation. Hiding away from the world sounds like a nice break from the anxiety incurred by the all-to-common party situations. As previously mentioned, my welcome is becoming overstayed and I can see my initial charm wearing off. Oh, well. One day, I may find people as equally awkward as myself, who won't judge me as the terrible person I am, who will find my humor as natural as their own, who will think of me not as a last minute addition but as the core group. To be honest, I won't hold my breath :/

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